Parental Guidance
by Edmondia Dantes Redux
Summary: Soichiro Yagami has a Very Important Conversation with his son. Crackfic.


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**_Parental Guidance  
by Edmondia Dantes_**

Disclaimer: Not mine.

AN: For starsplinter.

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It was a quiet, calm afternoon when Soichiro Yagami took off his glasses, polished them, put them back on, and coughed politely, rousing the rest of the investigation team out of a sleepy stupor. "Ryuuzaki, there's something I'd like to discuss with you."

L did not bother to look away from his screen, or blink, or perhaps even breathe, but only Light was close enough to tell with the latter, and he wasn't particularly paying attention. "Hmn?"

Soichiro coughed again. "...alone."

"Out of the question."

"...I won't object to Watari monitoring us, but I must insist on privacy."

"No."

Soichiro sighed the sigh of the very put-upon and turned to the rest of the team. "Could I ask you to step out for a moment, please...?"

There were some grumbles, until the thought occurred that a break like this meant the potential for getting out of the building, running down to the corner store, and picking up food and cigarettes. In short order, the room emptied, leaving Soichiro to stare at L and Light, who was looking wistfully out the door by which the team had exited.

"Now, your problem?" L demanded, still not looking away from his laptop.

Soichiro coughed, fidgeted a bit, and fixed his gaze somewhere past L's left ear. "...I was on security tape detail the other night."

"And?"

"...and I was concerned about something that I saw..."

"That is the point of reviewing the security tapes, yes. What is your point?"

Soichiro coughed again, glanced at Light, and looked back again, expression grave. "I'm concerned about the effects you are having on Light's psyche."

Light blinked. "...wait, you're what?"

"As well you should be," L drawled, "as my intention remains uncovering how your son became Kira."

"Shut up, Ryuuzaki. Dad, you're worried about this _now?_"

Soichiro shifted uncomfortably. "He watches you while you sleep, son."

"He's an insomniac, it's just what he does."

"Very closely."

"...that's his job."

"That closely?"

"I move a lot in my sleep, and I snore sometimes. The chain gets trapped, he gets dragged closer, and then he smacks me for snoring. It happens."

"...Light, you haven't made a sound while sleeping since you were out of diapers."

Light's ears turned a delicate shade of pink. "...dad, seriously, what's the matter?"

Soichiro squirmed a little. "Well... that is to say, how is Misa doing?"

Light blinked. "Uh... she's okay? She just got that new contract with that designer Matsuda found, you know the one..."

"I've noticed that you haven't... spent much time with her..."

"We're busy, dad, you know that, and I know mom and Sayu are missing you just as much as Misa and I miss each-"

"You don't seem very interested in your dates, when you go on them..."

"Ryuuzaki's always right there, the tapes are always running, and there's no way to get any privacy. It's awkward."

"And you finally seem to be opening up the way a young man your age should..."

"...uh, dad, seriously, where are you going with this?"

Soichiro coughed again, fidgeted slightly, then reached into his coat pocket and withdrew a pamphlet, holding it out invitingly. "Son, your mother and I want you to know that no matter what happens, or how you feel, we love you and respect you and all of your personal choices. We've done some research on the subject, and while we would like to see you marry and settle down to carry on the family name, it would be unfair of us to force you into a home life that would make you unhappy."

"..." said Light.

"And perhaps once this investigation is over you can... you can bring your life partner home to meet your mother and Sayu."

Light made an unpleasant wheezy sound.

"Ryuuzaki, I expect that once the investigation is concluded you will not run off and leave my son emotionally scarred and traumatized."

"I assure you my intentions are entirely honorable," L droned to the screen in front of him.

Light stared at the pamphlet still held out in his father's hand. Then he turned and stared at L, who still hadn't turned his attention away from the computer. Then he stood up, backed up a step, dropped to his knees, and promptly tried to smother himself with the seat cushion.

Soichiro dropped the pamphlet, hurried over, and clasped a large hand awkwardly on his shoulder. "Now, Light, there's no need to feel shame for your emotions. It's almost to be expected under these circumstances. You are very young, and I'm sure this is a very confusing time in your life right now, and I just want you to understand that I will respect and support your choices even though I think your boyfriend is an abusive, manipulative bastard."

"Really, Chief Yagami, I should think you should be more concerned with Light's penchant for polyamory than with his homosexuality. After all, regardless of his true orientation, the fact remains that he is cheating on both Misa-Misa and myself." He paused for a moment. "And he has not even asked if either one of us would be willing to share."

Soichiro sighed and ran his free hand through his hair in a fit of agitation. "Yes, Light, about that, your mother and I have been... worried..."

Light stopped trying to smother himself with the seat cushion, but that was only because he had buried his face in his arms and was having a very quiet nervous breakdown instead.

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AN: It should be noted that the two of them aren't actually involved in this fic. L is just a lying liar who lies.

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